Caribou, Schmaribou

The Republican record on the environment has been…let’s be nice and say only intermittently successful. And now that oil prices have gone over $100 a barrel on fears that supplies are getting dangerously low, calls for expanded domestic oil drilling keep getting louder. The latest battleground is the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, and although average Americans might hear the “wildlife” part (not to mention the “refuge” part) and think it might not be the best place to go looking for oil, but Rep. John Boehner (R-OH) just went touring it, and he wants you to know that the animals don’t mind doing humans this favor.

“In fact, who’s to say that the caribou haven’t been waiting for Alaskan oil availability to increase so that they could buy their own Sebrings?” Boehner did not add.

R.I.P. My Crush On T. Boone Pickens: 2008-2008

I’m sorry, T. Boone Pickens. It’s over. Yeah, two weeks ago I had no idea who you were. But then I got all excited over your investment in wind power after making your fortune in oil, and then when you went to Congress today and started giving them shit about America’s short-sighted energy policies, I started doodling “Chief Editor Boone Pickens” on the front of my Trapper Keeper. But I didn’t know you were secretly harboring ideas like this: ANWR? Seriously? Sorry, T. I can’t wear your varsity jacket anymore. Also, get one of your butlers to read you this.

Love That T. Boone

I have an update on my new boyfriend, Texas oilman-turned-alternative energy proponent T. Boone Pickens: he told Congress today to quit screwing around before it doomed the planet for his great-grandchildren. (I’m paraphrasing slightly.)

I hope T. Boone will forgive people who tend to discount what he says based on the whole “worth $4 billion” part of his sound bite. But really, given that he made it himself in the energy industry, isn’t it all the more likely that he knows what he’s talking about?

Dance, Rummy! You Wantcher Gas Card, Don’tcha?

Perhaps you were watching George W. Bush’s press conference earlier this week in which, when asked about high gas prices, he made this observation.

Certainly, that’s what some consumers are doing to deal with the increasing chunk of change they’re spending on gas. But others are resorting to more short-sighted, desperate measures. According to this Reuters item, those who enjoy humiliating the disadvantaged have no shortage of ideas as to how they might exploit consumers’ misery: a Nevada brothel is giving gas cards to patrons ($50 for every $300 they spend on sex acts), the Red Cross is raffling off a year’s worth of gas to blood donors, and a guy in Orlando agreed to name his forthcoming child after a couple of radio DJs for as little as a $100 gas card. The question is, how high will gas have to get before parents are willing to give up not just their kids’ names but the kids themselves? I’m going to say $7.50.

“It’s Pronounced ‘Nucular’”

Am I the only one whose RSS reader has a keen sense of irony? First, it tells me that a Guardian columnist wants the U.S. Presidential candidates to talk more about nuclear power, and thinks its bad reputation is undeserved.

Two items later? “Uranium leaks into 2 southern France rivers.” Way to make the Guardian guy looks like an idiot, Google Reader! Also, I hope  everyone in southern France is okay.

Anyway, one of the candidates is very bullish on nuclear power. Guess which one! The answer won’t surprise you.

Your Hummer Heard That And Started Cracking Up

Speaking of gas prices that are comically high and getting higher on a near-daily basis: now gas is being offered as a prize in some state lotteries. And sure, a prize like “free gas for life” does sound pretty appealing. Read the fine print, though, and you learn that “free gas for life” is actually “$2600 a year.” So that’s…what, three fill-ups for an SUV? It’s kind of like John McCain’s dumb-assed “gas tax holiday” notion, about which America’s next President (according to the latest polls, at least) had this to say.