Aw, Remember Ross Perot?

I think the 1992 Presidential campaign was the first I followed really obsessively (extremely obsessively, if you consider that I was a seventeen-year-old Canadian the day the election was actually held — two reasons I couldn’t have voted in it). And to give you an idea of what a misguided pinko I was — my guy? Jerry Brown. Adorable! Anyway, this item from Chicagoist today reminded me that it was actually a three-man race that year: Ross Perot was probably the last third-party spoiler who had a marginally reasonable chance of winning — proof of America’s love affair with a yammering kook. Perhaps you’d like to recall his wisdom with some choice Ross Perot audio clips.

How Much Free Money Does One Old Man Really Need?

Okay, Social Security isn’t exactly free money; John McCain’s been paying into it nearly his entire working life (since it wasn’t established until the second Franklin Roosevelt administration, after all, and HE IS HELLA OLD). But considering that he keeps shit-talking Social Security all the time, some have already commented that maybe he should stop accepting it. The whole issue has just come up again, with some of his old remarks on the subject coming back to haunt him, as retirees in Colorado are calling for him not to take Social Security if his opinion of it is so low. This is particularly bad timing for McCain given that Architectural Digest has just published a story on one of McCain’s NINE houses. It’s not even like he needs Social Security for beer money, since…you know.

Well, NOW I Feel A Little Bad

We all made some hay last week with the story about Robert Novak hitting a pedestrian with his car and claiming he didn’t know. Well, it turns out that story wasn’t as far-fetched as some of us might have thought: it turns out that Novak has been diagnosed with a brain tumor, and “spatial and visual neglect of a certain part of their bodies” can be a symptom.

Er…my bad. But come on, dude, we’re none of us perfect. Feel better.

Death Race 2008

Hey, remember a couple of days ago when Robert Novak totally hit that guy with his car and just drove on? Turns out the story is not over yet.

1. Though his age was originally reported as sixty-six, it turns out that the dude was actually eighty-six — and homeless. In other words, probably less physically capable than one might have previously thought to get run over by a car and bounce back.
2. The victim, Don Clifford Liljenquist, agrees with Novak that although he did fall onto the hood of Novak’s car before rolling off, it’s possible that Novak didn’t know: “He wasn’t paying attention to his driving.” So…maybe Novak was incapacitated in some way, or possibly is just straight-up too old to be driving anymore?
3. And in case we were wondering, Joseph Wilson and Valerie Plame don’t think this incident is all that surprising given what they already knew about Novak’s character.
4. Perhaps the best thing to come out of the scandal is that it gave Joel “The Soup” McHale the chance to comment about it on Countdown.

Oh, Joel. Come sit by me.

Position In Hell: Secure

It’s not like Robert Novak was such a great person to begin with, what with the whole outing-Valerie-Plame thing and his general aura of evilness. But now he’s decided to up the ante by striking a pedestrian with his car. And yet the most surprising thing about this story, to me, is not that Robert Novak would hit a pedestrian with his car and drive on like nothing had happened, but that the man drives a black Corvette. Like…really?

Anyway, several hours after the incident, reporters finally reached Novak for his comments. Such as this. Yes, clearly he is just sick about it! (You can see exactly how broken up Novak isn’t in the video clip here.)

Update! Um, the guy Novak hit is sixty-six years old and is in kind of worse shape in the hospital than was first thought. And Novak only paid a $50 fine for hitting him.

Also: MAAAAAATLOCK!

Republicans hate Social Security, right? They hate all that big-government stuff, and they especially hate the idea of young people subsidizing old people’s quasi-welfare. John McCain, in particular, has been quite vocal on the subject.

But! It turns out McCain is both a Social Security naysayer and a Social Security recipient. I hate to call an old man a hypocrite, but the dictionary definition is pretty clear. Maybe if he signed his checks over to his local Meals On Wheels or senior day care center, I would have to revise my view, but I guess he needs that little bit of extra cash each month for Preparation H and Werther’s Originals.

COL

Sad news for those who appreciate diversity online: the world’s oldest blogger has died. One of the blogger’s last dispatches included these comments.

I’m just kidding. John McCain doesn’t know how to work computers.